Tuesday 11th August 2026
Isthmian League Premier Division – Welling United (H) 4-1
Readers of this column (and my book, ‘My Perfect Season With The Tanners’) will know that I like to pepper my ‘work’ with metaphors and similes. That being the case, I can tell you that waiting for this one, I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. By halftime, I was like a kid in a sweetshop, and by fulltime, I was a pig in poo. I’d been looking forward to the game all day, so much so that I set off earlier than usual, managing to arrive before Kevin and Suzie had set up shop at the gate to take my raffle fiver. This meant that John was doing brisk business over at the Fan Zone, where he duly dispensed my usual six non-winners.
Taking my customary lap of the pitch, I noted how fit, strong and confident the opposition looked as they went through their warm-up. They’d brought a fair few supporters with them too – in the clubhouse, one of them said they’d arrived in Epsom to begin their own liquid pre-match preparations at two o’clock. Buoyed by their two-nil win at the weekend, and seeing the numerous red shirts already milling around town and The Grove, I thought the crowd might sneak past a thousand, but in the event, it topped out at seven hundred and one. For context, that’s still well over last season’s five hundred and twenty-two average attendance – not bad for a Tuesday night…
The one notable change to the line-up from the Ramsgate game was Marcel being preferred to Jacob in the centre forward slot. This looked like a good move in view of the visitors’ size and apparent strength, and Marcel was his usual busy self, keeping the defence occupied until his eventual withdrawal on sixty-eight minutes. He wasn’t alone – the full eleven was bang ‘at it’ in a stirring first half that brought four quality goals without reply…
The fun started on seventeen minutes when my man of the match Anas opened the scoring. There didn’t look to be much on when Kofi played the ball across from the left, but with Chris Arthur failing to clear, it found its way to Anas. He still had plenty to do, but he did it magnificently, making himself space to unleash a rasper into the roof of the net via the merest of brushes from the keeper’s fingertips. Three minutes later, he was at it again. Doubtless still buzzing off his goal, Anas battled over on the left touchline and won a throw in Marcel territory. The long throw was flicked on by Cam in the middle, and there was Anas at the back stick to collect the ball, applying a less spectacular, but no less composed, finish for two-nil.
The visitors enjoyed brief spells of pressure throughout the first half, their vocal supporters cheering as if they’d actually scored when they won the odd corner or took the occasional pot shot. They weren’t shy with their calls for fouls either. As had been the case on Saturday down in Kent though, the defence was equal to everything Welling threw at them – they’re an impressive unit on this form.
I’ve made no secret of my admiration for Dicko. Brought in to aid the title push in March, Tanners secured nine wins and two draws, suffering just the one loss, with Dicko bringing the box-to-box energy in the final twelve games. The only thing missing was a goal, but having scored the opener in our final pre-season friendly against Walton and Hersham, he went one better and grabbed his first league goal for the Tanners on forty-one minutes. Whether he meant to though is a matter for debate… After a neat interchange of passes on the right, he sent the ball in the general direction of the goal, but I’m sure it was a cross. It matters not – the ball sailed over the keeper and ended up in the top corner for three-nil.
On the stroke of halftime, skipper Mark got in on the action. Receiving the ball inside from Anas, he advanced unchallenged towards goal. Briefly looking for a pass, he decided he didn’t need his teammates on this occasion, and duly dispatched a low shot into the bottom corner. Four-nil at halftime – you love to see it!
Halftime – Tanners 4, Welling United 0.
Any fears that this one might go a bit ‘Binfieldy’ in the second half were unfounded. Tanners picked up where they left off, and Marcel went close a couple of minutes after the restart. Charlie did well to win the ball in the corner, before playing it back to Kofi to deliver, but the keeper got down well to Marcel’s resulting attempt. Welling then broke immediately, and Niran blocked superbly with their man very much in on goal. On the hour, Welling again showed they carried a threat, the post coming to our rescue on this occasion.
Before kick-off, Nathan was presented with the Golden Boot for his last season’s goalscoring exploits. He entered the fray on sixty-two minutes, Kofi making way. The main action was all on and around the bench for the next few minutes, Ian opting to make a series of like for like changes as Jacob came on for Marcel (sixty-eight minutes), Bobby for Louie (seventy minutes) and Joe for Anas (seventy-five minutes). It’s a mark of the quality we have that each slotted in seamlessly as the Tanners managed the game towards the win that had essentially been secured by halftime.
Welling had a late flurry of chances as the game entered the final few minutes. Cam made a great block on eighty-four minutes, and Sonny was called into action with a double save two minutes later as the ball pinged around the box. A minute before the end, they got a consolation goal, John Ufuah looping it past Sonny with the possible help of a deflection (that’s how it appeared from my viewpoint at the other end). The clean sheet would have been the icing on the cake (is that a metaphor or an idiom…?) but if you’d have told me before the game that we’d win it four-one in the manner we did, I’d have been more than happy.
Fulltime – Tanners 4, Welling United 1.
Two wins from two games then, and early as it is, we are back in our now-familiar position at the top of the league. Whether we’ll still be there, or even close, in April remains to be seen, but what is clear is that we aren’t here to make up the numbers. On paper, those were two tricky games; on the grass, we were worthy winners. Can we make it three in a row when we visit Burgess Hill Town on Saturday? There’s only one way to find out, and I look forward to joining the Green Army as the adventure continues in West Sussex… COYT!
