Saturday 18th July 2026
Pre-season Friendly – Merstham (H) 2-1
While The Lightning Seeds, Frank Skinner and David Baddiel no doubt continue to coin it in every couple of years, it turns out it isn’t coming home, and “thirty years of hurt” have doubled. I remember humming ‘Three Lions’ to myself as – close to midnight and a few ales down – I meandered back from The Bell after the Euro ’96 semi-final loss to Germany. Fast forward thirty years, if you’d told me I’d be watching Wednesday’s game in bed (where I’d been for at least an hour as the final whistle blew), I’d have laughed at you, but to steal a line from Phyllis Diller, these days “I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.”
Warming to my ‘football nostalgia’ theme, we played today’s visitors – Merstham – last pre-season. I remember the game for three distinct reasons – 1. The entire Merstham squad was made up of trialists; 2. Tanners rattled in six without reply. The third (a Jacob Breckon volley on the stroke of halftime) was possibly the most perfect sounding strike of a ball I have ever heard, and; 3. My son came with me. Afterwards, I bought him his first ever doner kebab. That’s not the terrible parenting example you think it is – he was twenty-six years old at the time. I’d argue it was worse parenting to have let him get to that age without ever eating a kebab, and I know at least one Tanner who may disown me over this shameful admission (I’m sorry, Richard)…
Tanners started with a strong enough eleven on the pitch, but no Nathan or Anas. If you’ve been reading my match reports – hey, you may even be working your way through my book, ‘My Perfect Season With The Tanners’! – you’ll know that formations and tactics aren’t really my thing. To me though, it looked like we were playing with a back three, so straight away, even I know that’s not our ‘normal’ formation. Nonetheless, for the first twenty or so minutes, it was effective and Tanners had most of the ball and most of the chances. Ominously though, even that early, skipper Mark was issuing repeated instructions to his teammates to exercise patience…
Three minutes in, Cam headed James’ corner just wide, and a couple of minutes later, Mark spurned a decent chance, slicing it over after the keeper had pushed out Harry’s initial shot. Elsewhere, there were signs that, if paired there for the forthcoming season, the Charlie-Kofi combination on the left could be both exciting and profitable.
Sonny was called into action on the quarter-hour, saving with his foot at the front post after the Merstham number thirteen had gone past Charlie and cut along the byline. The game was spicing up a bit by this stage – one of ours (I couldn’t see who – I’m not very good at this am I…?) put in a hefty challenge on a defender, and that was the cue for a hydration break with twenty minutes played.
Tanners were showing some nice stuff in patches. Several times, they put together some attractive joined up passing sequences, but crucially, no real penetration or final product. The visitors were well organised, and they continued to snuff out the lines of supply – neither James on the right, Kofi on the left or Harry through the middle was able to create anything of note for Marcel, battling gamely on his own as the focal point, barring his blocked shot on thirty-eight minutes.
Suddenly, excitement! On forty-two minutes, two dogs started play-fighting behind the goal as Merstham prepared to take a corner, which they’d won as a result of Sonny turning a shot around the post. Nothing came from the corner, but two minutes later, the visitors found themselves in front with a gift of a goal. Unchallenged, Sonny spilled a routine collection from a long ball in – it span sideways out of his hands, directly into the path of the lurking Number Seventeen, and that was 1-0. I guess every keeper has one of those happen to him once in a while – if so, let’s hope that’s Sonny’s for this season…
On the stroke of halftime, Mark was upended on the edge of the ‘D’ for an obvious free kick. I’d taken up position in the top corner of the main stand, level with the eighteen-yard line. Mark was facing me as he went down, and the ball’s trajectory didn’t change – it was rolling towards me, and the ref and liner also had a clear view – so how they didn’t call it, I don’t know. Mark stayed down for a while too, which was fair enough – he’d been clattered! I’ll save my genuine ire for the officials for when the season starts, but that was a very poor call…
Halftime – Tanners 0, Merstham 1.
I took a stroll past the new food outlet at the back of the main stand at halftime. I never sampled a Tanner Burger. I was often tempted, but idiosyncratic individual that I am, I’ve only ever gone for chips (chips, Jim Gordon – their first ‘Bryant’s Bulletin’ appearance!) at home games, and only then in the colder months. Anything bigger would spoil my tea… However, there was some tasty looking fare on offer that may seriously test that stance – we’re not quite at the ‘prawn sandwich’ stage, but we’re serving up sirloin steak and chips now…
Another halftime highlight? I won first prize in the raffle! I’ve only ever won in the raffle twice before, and both times, we lost. Not today – hoodoo broken…! And if I have my facts right, seventy percent of all raffle takings go back into the club and the work it supports in the local community. If you don’t win, someone else does, right…? Waving a big wave of thanks to John, Kevin and Suzie…
Let’s speed this up… The contest became quite feisty in the second half. Niran was booked for a shove, which preceded a little bit of ‘handbags’. The ref also saw fit to book another couple of players for what looked like dissent as the niggling increased (I think it was Harry for us). And although they were all smiles and handshakes at the end, Mark and the Merstham Number Five were engaging in a simmering feud as the half progressed…
Partisan though I am, Tanners were the dominant side, and the squad strength we have was again emphasised on fifty-five minutes when Ian Selley swapped out Marcel for Jacob, Joe for Isaac and George for Bobby. A little later, Braiden also came on for Kofi, suggesting that now the club has shared his name, rather than calling him ‘Trialist X’, he may be here to stay? That would be no bad thing in my opinion – he was great against Dorking, and he got himself a goal at Abbey Rangers in midweek. On seventy-seven minutes, he did well to put a cross over from the left. James threw his entire body at it, but he couldn’t direct his header on goal. Three minutes later, he was through on goal himself, Jacob putting him in, but the hulking Merstham Number Six proved too strong for him, and he couldn’t get a shot away.
Sonny had to make a save on eighty-two minutes after Merstham broke down the right, but on eighty-five, Tanners got the equaliser their patient probing had deserved. Having peppered the box with crosses, the ball fell to Braiden, who moved it inside to Mark. He took a touch, then struck it beautifully past the keeper for the equaliser. His ‘how you like me now?’ wide-armed celebration, directed very much at his nemesis, Merstham’s Number Five, provoked more ‘shenanigans’…
Anyone vaguely familiar with the Tanners’ glorious 2025/26 title win will know two things – 1. We’re good for an added-time goal, and; 2. Jacob Breckon is partial to scoring them. With normal time up, Braiden did some of his ‘roll it under the foot’ tricks before delivering a ball to James that he smashed goalwards. The keeper turned it just past the post for a corner. Taken by Harry, it was duly dispatched into the top corner by our Number Nine, and everyone went home happy.
Fulltime – Tanners 2, Merstham 1.
I think we can file this one under ‘a good test for the boys’. Merstham didn’t make it easy, and the ‘roll on, roll off’ nature of the subs from the previous games was notably absent – this had the feel of a ‘proper’ match, and preparation being stepped up for the real action, which we now know starts at Ramsgate on 8th August.
Next up, we’re goin’ down to South Park, gonna have ourselves a time. See you Tuesday – COYT!
